We have been riding the wave of the unknown for a while now, and it seems that we will be for some time to come. But in truth, so many aspects of life have always been unknown. It is only now that we are collectively facing that reality head on. And what often comes along with the unknown is fear. We are reluctant to let go, to detach from what we know. Many other emotions also surface during this time. We might have moments of denial, standing with our feet dug into the ground, certain this can’t be happening. We might have sorrow or anger towards the life that we comfortably had has changed.
I want to revisit and share with you a moment of my own life, as I relate so much of that journey to what we are embarking upon right now.
4 years ago, our second son unexpectedly died during birth. He was perfect and beautiful in every way, like an angel sleeping. They never found anything wrong with him, no reason or cause of death.
In one instant, our whole world had changed. And changed in a way where we knew there was no going back. Nothing would ever be the same. Without apology, life as we knew it had been ripped away.
One of the hardest parts in the beginning stages of grief, is the realization that it will never go away. You realize that you will never go back to normal; that there is no normal anymore. I fought for a long time. After a lengthy period of sadness and sorrow, I tried to go back. I tried to pick up the pieces and create some resemblance of what I once knew. But I failed every time.
And then one day I crumbled. I fell into myself weeping with so much despair. And I stopped. I stopped running from my grief. I stopped trying to change it, to make it go away, to make sense of it, and most importantly, I stopped trying to fix it. In that moment, I completely surrendered and I let the darkness of my sorrow swallow me up.
But here is what I want to share with you the most. It didn’t swallow me.
It embraced me. It held me. My own sorrow, a mirror of the great love I held for my child, met me where I was and held me. And I began to feel peace. Peace from my own suffering that I had been adding onto my grief. I understood in this moment that it was okay not to go back. That I had so much awaiting me still, and that eventually I would settle into a new normal. Life was still flowing in me and around me, and while what I had known had changed, my blessing was to now explore the unknown.
My path, my journey, my experience in this world was still going. I could have decided to remain stuck where I was. I would have even argued that I was justified to be angry, that losing my child was unfair, and therefore didn’t need to participate in life anymore. But I chose to trust that I would have support to put one foot in front of the other. The peace I felt after allowing my sorrow to completely envelope me, gave me the understanding that I am merrily one small piece of this delicate web of life, but that we are all together in this beautiful dance.
Whatever unfolds for us individually and collectively, we will get through. And I am hopeful that there will be great things for all of us on the other side. We can establish a new normal in which we can chose the best and most important of what it means to be alive. Keep celebrating all that is good in this world, keep your vibration high.
The world needs your light to shine brightly.